


Thimble

by petulantgod (prettyclever)



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, Infidelity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-11
Updated: 2013-07-11
Packaged: 2017-12-19 04:08:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,485
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/879287
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prettyclever/pseuds/petulantgod
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He wants her. The problem with wanting her is that he can't have her, not this one, no. Off limits. But nothing is ever really off limits where Sirius is concerned.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Thimble

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Written for sioniann's erotic_elves Fantasy Fest request: James!angst, guilt, manipulation, and both of them saying it means nothing. Thanks to my betas (and also djin7 for the In-Progress help), and to xylodemon and everyone else who's looked over this or given helpful advice. 
> 
> Written in '04 or '05

He wants her.   
  
The problem with wanting her is that he can't have her, not this one, no. Off limits.   
  
But nothing is ever really off limits where Sirius is concerned.   
  
 _Oh James, why did you tell me not to touch her? Didn't you know it would only make me want her more?_  
  
The uncomfortable feeling crawling through his chest and clawing at his heart might be guilt, but it might be lust too, and he is much more familiar with the latter. Guilt is a useless emotion, but lust... Lust Sirius has an active appreciation for.  
  
He catches the way she looks at him from the corner of her grass-green eyes. She smiles a special smile for him, a smile with  _intent_ , and Sirius reads volumes on her paper white skin as she bares it before him.   
  
"Touch me," she breathes, and he does. He doesn't see how he could possibly do anything else when she's looking at him this way.  
  
Her breasts are round and full, high on her chest and tipped with nipples the colour of ripe peaches, just the right shape for biting, and Sirius groans as he catches one between his teeth and tugs until she gasps. Fingers wind through his long dark hair, she pushes her flesh into his mouth, arches her back and whimpers and writhes, clutching his head tightly to her.   
  
"Oh yes," she moans. "Oh yes, more, God, Sirius, yes..." and her hips buck upward against nothing until he settles his atop them to hold them still, and then her hips buck upward into  _him_  and she moves faster yes harder grinding her mound against his cock. "Oh...."  
  
She doesn't say much, and he doesn't expect her to. Girls almost never do. They want you to read their minds, want you to fly blind. They love it when you work for it, and they come hardest when you give them just that just then right when they think you'll never do it, and Sirius knows this game.   
  
He slips his fingers deep inside her and flicks his fingertips, twists, stretches, thrusts faster yes harder and growls her name low in her ear in that voice that all the girls love.   
  
Evans comes like the rest, with his name on her lips and her cunt clenching around his long fingers hard enough to make him smile grimly against her alabaster throat.   
  
 _I didn't fuck her, James. I touched her, but I didn't fuck her. We're friends, James, and I love you more than anything. I didn't fuck her, James, I'll never fuck her. It doesn't mean anything._  
  
*****  
  
"Sirius," Evans says amiably, opening the door and welcoming him into her tiny flat. "James isn't here."  
  
"I know," he replies, his eyes locking on hers and holding her frozen. "I came to see you."  
  
"Yes," she says with a patient smile. "I know that, dear, but let's maintain a pleasant fiction, shall we? It will make our lives much easier in the long run, and it's not like it means something."   
  
"If you say so," he returns, trying not to consider the implications of "the long run" while shucking his rain-damp trench coat. "Aren't you going to ask me if I fancy a drink?" he asks her as she walks away.   
  
"Already on it." Her voice drifts to him from the other room, echoing in the emptiness that declares this space newly occupied. "Whiskey neat?"  
  
"Double."  
  
"But of course."  
  
She returns a moment later with two glasses, one already moving to her lips as she hands him his. He watches her drink, watches her lips slide over the clear glass, and he aches for them suddenly, a sharp pang that courses straight from eyes to prick and makes him shift uncomfortably and settle deeply into the corner of the sofa.   
  
Evans' lips are the same colour as her nipples, and Sirius can't help but remember how her body felt beneath his, how good it felt to make her come even when he left frustrated. He wants that, wants the rush, wants to be  _wanted_  and no one has ever given him quite the thrill that Evans did.   
  
By the time they empty the bottle, Evans' entire body is flushed dark and rosy, and her eyes are startlingly bright behind auburn lashes when she tells him to take her.   
  
"I can't," he mutters brokenly as his thumb rubs gently against her clit, teasing, teasing, just  _so_  just hard enough just barely enough.... "Promised him I wouldn't, not ever."  
  
She whines low in her throat and thrusts up into his hand, pushing herself into his palm, grinding into the heel of his hand as her fingers claw at the carpet. The moment his fingers push deep within her, she gasps and clenches and comes, and he sinks his teeth into her shoulder and tries to ignore the angry throbbing of his cock against his thigh.  
  
 _She's too beautiful for me, James, I'll never take her, never fuck her, no, but I can't help touching, James, can't help... But it's nothing, James, I swear it._  
  
*****  
  
"Take care of her while I'm away," James says, slapping him hard on the back, hard like a brother.  
  
His trusting eyes would never imagine the thoughts running through Sirius' mind as he replies, "I always do."  
  
Then James is out the door and her hands slide under his jumper and there is her skin and his skin and it all runs together in a sinuous blur of hunger. Her mouth closes over his and his mouth slides against her throat and her thighs wrap soft and silken around his bare waist as he rubs his cock against her.   
  
"So wet," he mutters, not knowing why he says it except that it's all he can think of, and that the smell of her is so strong he can almost taste her and-- "Not this, Evans, I promised, you know I promised," he rasps out as he pulls away and reaches for her hand.   
  
"We're not married, you know," she says testily, clutching his fingers with her own. "I don't belong to him anymore than I belong to you, Sirius."  
  
"I know," he says, and leads her down the hallway to her room,  _their_  room, and he isn't sure anymore who 'they' consists of because he spends as much time with her as James does these days...  
  
 _I'll never fuck her, James; you trust me and I will never betray you. I touch her because I need to, James, but I swear I don't get off, I swear it's all just... She may not be ours, but I'm yours, James, always yours...._  
  
Her thighs feel even better against his cheeks than they did around his waist and he drives his tongue inside her to taste, to drink her down as she writhes and pushes down onto his face. She smells like candy ought to smell, he thinks, like sweet and sour and perfection, and he wants to find every bit of her and devour it until the ache inside is satisfied.   
  
"Oh," she moans, like always, like the first time and every time since. "Oh, Sirius," and he knows it will always be his name she moans because James has never made her feel like he does. James doesn't know how. And if Sirius were the friend he pretends to be, he'd tell James how to do this to her, but then she wouldn't want him anymore, and he  _needs_  this. He  _wants_  this, and it doesn't matter that it's meaningless to her.  
  
Sirius' hands slide up her belly to cup her breasts, his fingers splaying over them and scissoring closed to catch and pinch and squeeze, his palms tightening against them until she gasps and her hips snap sharply against his mouth. There's a trick to this too, as there is to everything with women, and Sirius knows what she wants even though she'd never ask for it. Maybe it sounds strange said aloud, maybe it sounds strange in one's head, but it's what she wants and it's what he does, and they both know it's what James will never do.   
  
He scrapes his nails lightly down her stomach and over the insides of her thighs as he pulls away, pressing her thighs out and spreading her wide before his ravening gaze, and he drinks her with his eyes just as he had with his mouth. She's delicious no matter how he consumes her.  
  
When he dives back in, his chin pushes in just below her cunt, just above her ass, and his nose rubs against her clit, and his tongue swipes hot and slick and skilled from top to bottom again and again and every time he does it she moans louder, her hands pulling desperately at his hair and her body pressing into him with frantic jerks. She pulls until his eyes water and her body rolls up like a wave to meet his tongue, and when he finally lets go of her thighs and pushes four fingers into her, she screams and arches into the air, legs locking and body shuddering, her thighs clamping around his head like a vise, and it's all he can do to breathe.   
  
 _If I die like this, will you hate me, James? If I live like this, will you forgive me?_  
  
*****  
  
"He's asked me to marry him," Lily says, not meeting his eyes. Her fingers twist in the hem of her skirt, and her hands seem so tiny, helpless really, and surely she can't be old enough to do anything so grownup as marry...  
  
"Yeah, he dropped by the local last night for a pint with the boys. Said you'd give him a yes for sure, bought you a big rock for your digit and gave you the fucking of a lifetime and all, he said."   
  
Sirius tries to keep the jealousy out of his voice, but success eludes him and he scowls as much at himself as at the turn things have taken. He's in too deep, and he doesn't know how to get out.   
  
 _Do you know what happens when a dog falls into a pool, James? He drowns. Dogs aren't much good at climbing out of the holes they dig themselves into..._  
  
"I don't want to marry him, Sirius," she whispers as she moves closer and kisses his earlobe. "I don't want to be anyone's little wife. I don't want to be what my sister is. I want to be  _free_... The way I feel when I'm with you."  
  
He doesn't know what to say to that, so he does as he always does when Lily asks for things he doesn't know how to give her: he gives her what he  _does_  know how to give her.  
  
 _If you would just share, James, this would all be so much easier... If you would just share, I wouldn't have to feel so fucking guilty when what you want wants me and I want to be wanted and-- Fuck you. Why is everything always my fault?_  
  
Lily holds him late into the night, and Sirius stays awake. He isn't sure why he's still here, why he's spending the night when he never has before. He's never even asked her to get him off, never asked her for anything, and she never offers, only watches intently as he rolls away from her and onto his back to wrap his hand around his cock and bring himself off in a few quick jerks.   
  
Something is changing, but it doesn't mean anything. It can't.   
  
Her arms feel so good wrapped around him; her leg fits over the dip of his waist like they're jigsaw pieces meant to lie like this. Sirius realises with a start that he  _likes_  this. He wants Lily. He thinks maybe he wants this life.   
  
When the sun comes up, he'll be gone, because this is secret, always secret, everyone keeps secrets... But until the light comes in to chase away the shadows in which they hide this thing, he'll be right here, where he belongs now.   
  
*****  
  
"He says you told him you needed to think about it for a while."  
  
There's no accusation in Sirius' voice, but it's there in his eyes, a vague worry that seems as out of place as a gun in an infant's hand. He's not old enough inside to match his outsides and times like this, it shows.  
  
"He says you haven't slept with him since he asked you."  
  
"He's not lying," Lily murmurs, not meeting Sirius' eyes. She curls into the corner of the loveseat, her long bare legs looking so vulnerable where her sundress doesn't cover them. "I don't-- I'm in way too deep, Sirius. I just want out. I just want to go back to the way things were in school..."  
  
Sirius barks a laugh and stretches slowly, lying down on the loveseat beside her with his legs hanging over one of the arms and his head pillowed on her lap. "Don't we all?"  
  
He looks up at her and bites his lip, a frown creasing his brow as he lifts a hand to cradle her cheek in his palm. "Don't worry, Lily, it'll all turn out right, wot? You'll see."  
  
A bitter smile twists Lily's beautiful face, making it ugly for an uncomfortable moment and sending a pang of terror through Sirius' gut. He remembers seeing that expression on his mum...  
  
"I'm in too deep, Sirius. There's no turning back for me now."  
  
She slides her fingers into his thick black hair, pushing the tips along his scalp and letting the silky strands sift between them. Her eyes stay fixed on the way his long hair fans across her lap, avoiding his face entirely, and he knows she must be working up her courage to say something.   
  
Anything Lily needs extra nerve to say can't possibly be something Sirius wants to hear.  
  
"'S okay, Evans," he mutters, turning his face to hide it against her stomach, nuzzling her and pressing a soft kiss against the scratchy fabric of her dress. "Just spit it out, yeah?"  
  
She inhales deeply, her belly rising and falling against his mouth, and he feels her voice as much as hears it when she whispers, "I'm pregnant, Sirius."  
  
He doesn't move, or say anything. He freezes.  
  
"Sirius?" she asks quietly, her fingers stilling against his head, passively tangled in his hair.  
  
A shuddering breath rips from him and gusts across her stomach. He squeezes his eyes tightly shut and his fingers clench into impotent fists.   
  
"Are you quite all right?" she asks, sounding slightly peeved. "I could use your support here."  
  
He moves so quickly that he frightens her, pulling away and standing to his feet, his manner so agitated that she shrinks away from him, makes herself tiny in the corner.   
  
"You've fucked it all up," he says simply, throwing his hands into the air and then running them through his hair roughly before burying his face in them. "All fucked up now," he mutters into the muffle of his palms.  
  
" _I've_  fucked it up?" she shouts incredulously, springing to her feet and pushing him, her small hands flat and harsh against his chest as she shoves him backward with all her strength. " _I_  fucked it all up? I didn't get  _myself_  pregnant, Sirius! What about  _James_ , hmm? Your precious James did this!"  
  
Her hands make fists and she hits him frustratedly, trembling with anger or fear or god only knows what emotion she's feeling, Sirius sure as fuck doesn't know. Shaking his head numbly, he stands stock-still against the barrage of Lily's blows and hopes she'll hurt him enough to crack through this sudden wave of paralysis.  
  
When she starts crying, something inside him snaps, and he catches her wrists tight in his grip and holds her still, his eyes finding hers, his expression dark and cruel.   
  
"You're the slag who let him fuck you, Lily. Don't you fucking blame him because you spread your legs for him."  
  
Her eyes go as wide as though she's been slapped, and she sputters a moment, incoherent with fury, and she wrestles with his grip, pulling away as far as she can and kicking at him. "Bastard!" she snarls, "Let me go, you prick!"   
  
Sirius stares at her impassively, brows drawn together and eyes transformed to thunderheads. "Make me."  
  
With an angry shriek, Lily bends her head to bite at his hands, tearing at them frantically, gnashing her teeth against his tightly clenched knuckles until they're bleeding, but he doesn't let go.   
  
"You... you..." she gasps, enraged face upturned to his, green eyes so clear and luminous against the redness of her tear-stained face that Sirius can't help but lower his mouth to hers.  
  
She struggles harder even as she arches against him, and his lips open over hers, his teeth catching at her lips and tongue and biting, punishing, his fingers closing more firmly around her wrists and holding them tight against his chest between their bodies. She steps back and he moves forward swiftly, following her every movement and crushing his mouth harder into hers.   
  
"Please, Sirius," she begs, stepping back once more and losing her balance, landing arse down on the loveseat, hands still caught in Sirius' viselike grip.   
  
He thinks maybe she's afraid of him, and he feels a repulsive kind of power surging through him. Hurt is painted across his face, confusion, anguish... And towering above all else looms his implacable anger.   
  
"This is your fault, Evans. You've ruined my life. You've ruined  _everyone_ 's life. What the fuck are we all going to do now? There's no more playing, no more fun, no staying up all hours and getting drunk... No more sneaking about and being wild... No me coming over to see  _Mrs Potter_  and give her a good round of slap and tickle. You and James are ruddy  _parents_  now! I can't even---" Sirius pales and trails off, hands crushing her wrists still more tightly, her fingers going lavender and chill.  
  
"Don't..." Tears trickle down her flushed cheeks unchecked, and she bites her swollen lips as she gazes up at him. "Don't be angry with me, please... I'm no happier than you are about this, Sirius..."  
  
Her eyes plead with him for mercy, for some kind of understanding, but he hardens his heart against the pain, against things too big and frightening for him to comprehend.  
  
"You're a fucking  _slag_ , Evans. You've no right to ask me  _anything_  anymore," he replies tonelessly, body shifting forward menacingly, his legs moving between hers, holding her knees spread with his own. His eyes run over the bare expanse of her thighs where her dress rucks up around her hips as she squirms. "Look at you," he hisses between clenched teeth, "Knickerless, aren't you?"   
  
"You're certainly your mother's son, aren't you,  _Black_?" she snaps, eyes flashing defiantly despite her obvious unease. "You going to  _rape_  me, Black? You want to hurt me because I've fucked up your pretty little world?"  
  
Releasing her, he sinks to his knees between her legs and stares at the floor. "No," he replies quietly. "I'm going to cry."  
  
"Oh no," she whispers, shifting forward quickly and wrapping her arms behind his back to pull him close to her, sliding her feet behind his thighs and tugging him against her. "No, don't do that, Sirius, god, please don't... I couldn't stand to see it."  
  
"Then don't look at me," he says, burying his face against her chest and clutching her to him tightly.   
  
Long minutes pass, tension building in their bodies, their proximity, their solitude, the soft hum of a love ballad on the wireless attuning them to the possibilities. Sirius doesn't move, just holds Lily as though the world is ending, and he tries not to shed the hot stinging tears filling his eyes.   
  
 _Damn you, James, did you_  want  _this to happen? Do you not fucking care about her or what she wants? She doesn't need an effing baby, James, she's just a kid... We're all still just kids, aren't we?_  
  
"Will you help me?" Lily asks, her voice tiny and strained and her fingers soothing running up and down Sirius' spine.   
  
"Help you?"   
  
Sirius looks up at her, realising how close their faces are, how soft and perfect her lips look, how lush....   
  
"Will you help me, Sirius? I don't know anyone else I can tell... You're the only one who's like me, who doesn't give a damn about traditions and being a goody-goody and doing what one's supposed to do. No one else ever understood, Sirius, no one else ever-- Please?"  
  
Sirius blinks at her, mesmerised, and watches her smoothly gleaming peach of a mouth make words that he can't comprehend, and he nods.   
  
"Oh thank god," Lily sighs, clinging to him desperately and shaking as she cries again, only pulling away to press her lips hot and damp and open against his.   
  
Her tongue slides into his mouth, hungry and plaintive, and he can't help but kiss back, can't help but cling to her the way she clings to him, and before he can think, he's scooping her up in his arms like a doll and carrying her into the bedroom. Before he can think, he's nipping at her neck and whispering  _I love you, Lily,_  in her ear as she fumbles with his belt buckle. Her fingers slip inside his trousers and press against his hardon through the thin silk of his shorts and he moans, hips bucking into her hand, and he realises with a start that somehow in all these years, he's never let her do this before.   
  
 _You can't say_  shit _, James, because you fucking well knocked her up, didn't you? Can't tell me I can't touch anymore, James, can't tell me I can't fuck, because the damage is done, old bean, it's done and I can't be the bad guy anymore. This game is almost over, and I've lost no matter how I play it, and if I'm going to lose anyway, I might as well have fun, yeah? Might as well cheat, James, because you've changed all the rules..._  
  
Lily's hands slide warm and perfect down his thighs, pushing his trousers down as she kisses him. Her fingers tug at his shirt, pulling it off as her lips move to trail kisses down his chest, her tongue lashing over his nipples until he sighs and twists his fingers in her long, red hair. He's dreamed of this, of her, of her mouth and hands and body, but this is the first time he's entertained the possibility of having it. Always before, James stood foremost in his mind, his face clouded with betrayal, but now....  
  
Now there is nothing but this girl _woman_  he's grown to love and her hot damp breath on his skin.   
  
He wants her, and there is nothing to stop him from having her.  
  
Lily murmurs against his collarbone and scrapes her nails up his back as he unzips her sundress. He can't make out the words, but words mean nothing at a time like this. Her shoulders are creamy white and dusted with tiny freckles, milk and cinnamon, and she tastes to him like life itself, distilled and made human.   
  
To touch Lily is to be more alive than he can ever be anywhere else.   
  
He thinks maybe that to be inside Lily would be to achieve immortality.  
  
It's too much to understand, to process, to wrap his mind around, and he stops thinking altogether as he slides the straps of her dress down her arms and lets it fall to the floor. She wears no underthings, just as he suspected, and it's easier this way, easier now that they're both naked, and to be honest, Sirius hasn't done this part so much. To be honest, he doesn't quite know how to get from where he's standing here with his hands on her arms to where they'll be lying in her bed having sex.   
  
Lily must realise it because she smiles at him, a peculiarly pleased smile, and she takes his hand and tugs him toward the bed. Sitting on the edge, she lays back, her legs snaking out to catch around Sirius' arse and drag him forward to her. Locking her feet behind his back, she topples him, and he falls forward with a startled gasp, his hands landing on either side of her head to hold him up. She laughs, and he can't help but melt at the warmth in her smile, the light in her eyes.   
  
"I want you inside me."   
  
"Fuck," he says, and somehow, it's the most eloquent thing he's ever said.  
  
Her feet slide over his arse, guiding him closer, pulling his hips forward into hers until his cock is trapped between their bodies, sliding between her lips with agonising slowness.   
  
"Fuck, Lily," he blurts out, his eyes rolling back in his head as he grinds forward against her. "Oh fuck, you feel so good..."  
  
He looks down to see her grinning. "Tell me you want me," she murmurs, her gaze holding his from beneath her curly lashes. "Tell me how long you've wanted this."  
  
"Always. Just... Always, Lily."  
  
Her smile widens until her eyes crinkle, and she rocks her hips faster into him, sliding against him hot and slick and so fucking good that he's afraid he's not going to last long enough to be inside her.   
  
"Do you... Do you want  _me_?" he asks hesitantly, biting his bottom lip and trying not to shiver.   
  
"Yes," she moans, rubbing herself rhythmically against his cock. "Please, Sirius, want you now."  
  
"What about James?" he asks before he can stop himself, the words falling out of his stunned mouth.   
  
"What about him?" she retorts, her eyes glittering and hard as emerald.   
  
"I just-"  
  
"Listen to me, Sirius. I want  _you_ ," she says, her face softening and her fingers brushing his hair from his face. "You said you'd help me, and I want you to take me away from all this. I want to escape with you and be free the way you're free... We could be together, just us, and do as we please and come and go as we like and just... be free away from all this mess and--"  
  
Sirius kisses her to shut her up, and she moans the moment their lips meet, arching into him and holding his face in her hands. He doesn't know what any of this means, but it's ceased to matter. Only one thing is real in the midst of this overwhelming emotion and sensation:  
  
He wants her, he wants  _this_ , and there's no turning back.  
  
A weight settles on his shoulders even as he pushes inside her awkwardly, his cock just a little too thick, his hips just a little too far to the right. He closes his eyes and hears the susurrant hiss of her breath as he fills her, and he realises suddenly that this is the last and only time he will hold her, touch her, kiss her, have her.  
  
Lily may not belong to James, but the baby inside her does.   
  
Lily may want to escape, but Sirius has no intentions of going anywhere except deeper inside her.  
  
She looks into his eyes earnestly, her expression so filled with trust and hope and desperation that guilt chokes him and he has to hide his face in her hair. Her hands smooth down his back and her hips follow his perfectly, perfect from all the practising she's done with James.   
  
 _This can't be real. We're still kids, James, we're just kids.... I don't_  want _to grow up. I'm not what she wants, James. I can't be what she needs. I'm not a man yet, James, not like you are. I don't know how to take care of anyone..._  
  
Lily's heels dig into his back as she braces against him and pulls herself up to meet his thrusts, her body writhing and shifting to keep him buried inside her. Closing his eyes shut tight and breathing in the sweet smell of her hair, he lets her body lead his, lets her control the speed and rhythm, and he tries to disappear within her desire, tries to stop being Sirius and become whatever it is she wants from him, to give her this one last thing before he ends this.  
  
Their bodies move hard _frantic_ fast and he presses his lips against the ivory column of her throat to muffle his groans as he slams into her. So close now, so close, too close, and she whimpers _sighs_  and scratches his skin raw as she crushes herself against him.  
  
"Yes," she moans against his ear, "Almost... Ohhh, Sirius, love you..."  
  
Tears well in his eyes again and he fucks her furiously, driving into her brutally as though if he can just get deep enough inside her, he can hide from himself and what he knows he's about to do. And he won't cry. He won't ruin this. This is all he's ever going to have of her, all he can give her, and it's going to be perfect if it kills him and  _fuck_  it very well might if she keeps moving like that...  
  
"Please," she gasps hoarsely, "Come for me, Sirius, please..."  
  
And he does, her words striking him like lightning and searing him, filling him with heat and need and such intensely painful pleasure that he shakes with it, his body shuddering as his hips slam roughly against hers and he trembles and comes with her body clenching around his cock and her teeth sinking into his chest.   
  
She clings to him for long moments, still shaking against him as he pulls out of her, and he lets her hold him as he rolls onto his side next to her. Moulding her body against him, she runs her fingers through his hair and over the angles of his face, her lips brushing over his eyelids and cheekbones, and the guilt inside him wells up violently, threatening to overtake him.   
  
"Sirius? What's wrong?"  
  
He doesn't know what to say, so he doesn't answer, just stares at the ceiling, the only thoughts in his mind thoughts of how to get out of this mess. Her fingers still in his hair and he feels her shift slightly away, knows she's studying his face now, examining him for clues.   
  
"Talk to me," she says, trying without success to sound soothing. "This isn't going to work if you don't communicate."  
  
"This isn't going to work full stop, Lily."  
  
She freezes for an interminable moment, and he braces himself, ready for the worst when she pulls away from him.   
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"I don't have anything to give you," he says quietly, swiftly putting space between them. "You want so much, and I'm... I can't give it to you."  
  
He stands and gathers his clothes, staring at the floor to avoid her hurt gaze, but even though he won't look, he can still feel it.  
  
"You said you'd help me! Grow  _up_ , Sirius! God, you-- You said you  _loved_  me!"  
  
Sirius pulls his clothes on slowly, refusing to meet her eyes. When his shirt is tucked in and his belt is fastened, he looks at her with a haunted expression, taking in the confusion written across her countenance, the way she flinches as he catches her eye.  
  
"I can't grow up, Lily. I've tried."  
  
"Who are you? Peter effing Pan?" she asks with a bitter laugh, face twisting into an ugly mask of anger and disbelief.  
  
Sirius shrugs and bites his lip. "I don't know quite who I am."  
  
"Oh, Christ!" she snaps. "What was this then? You give me a thimble and run home to Neverland?"  
  
"If that's what you think, Lily, then I can't convince you otherwise."  
  
"Don't you fucking give me that bullshit, Black, I swear I'll--"  
  
"You'll  _what_ , Lily? Tell James?" Their eyes meet and hold, and the fire inside her burns him, too intense to bear, and he turns away, his hand closing over the doorknob. "You took the thimble, Lily. All I have left is my shadow and the shirt on my back."  
  
He walks into the living room and sits on the loveseat numbly, shoving his feet into his shoes and tying them with nerveless fingers. His eyes rake over every detail of the place, capturing the tiny memories that will be all he takes away from here, and he lingers until he hears her broken sobs from the bedroom. Her muffled cries chase him from her flat, and when he locks the door behind him, he knows he'll never return.  
  
Sirius squints at the sky and figures it's not yet closing time. There'll be darts and cards down the local, and if he hurries, he can make last call yet. 


End file.
